


Harder to Console

by masterwords



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner Needs a Hug, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s10e13 Nelson's Sparrow, Happy Birthday Jason Gideon, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Wine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:55:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27791866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterwords/pseuds/masterwords
Summary: Jason Gideon had died months ago, but on his birthday, Aaron Hotchner felt all the things.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/David Rossi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	Harder to Console

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was a request on Tumblr, and I hope it doesn't disappoint! I was looking to find a reason for Hotch to be sad that was a little different, and I love to explore the complexities of the Gideon/Hotch/Rossi threesome.

June 1st. Jason Gideon's birthday. The first birthday since he'd been murdered. Aaron couldn't remember how old he'd be anymore, and it didn't really matter because he wasn't here to see it. He couldn't remember a time that Gideon's birthday had made much difference to him when the man was alive, but with him gone, the day felt like a wound ripped wide as soon as he opened his eyes. The first day of June, when most people celebrated the coming of summer, and here he was lying in bed lost in the murky depths of profound loss. 

He heard his blackberry buzzing somewhere on his nightstand and he considered ignoring it. Days off didn't mean much in his line of work, but today he didn't plan to do anything but just pay sad tribute to the first man who had acted the way a father should in his life, to the first person at the Bureau who didn't just look at him like he was an over ambitious suit and tie. The phone buzzed again and again, unrelenting. Finally he reached out and grabbed it, peering at it suspiciously. Dave, and mercifully, it was not work related. He'd called three times, left a voicemail, and finally a short text. 

_I know you're screening your calls. You've got 15 minutes. Make coffee. Pack an overnight bag. I'm on my way._

Aaron sighed, tossing his phone to his side on the bed a little too hard. He heard it hit the floor with a thud after springing back up off of the bed and he was a little hopeful that it had broken, but he had carpet so it wasn't likely. After a minute of hesitation, he got out of bed and did as Dave had told him, because what else could he do? Dave had a key to his house, he knew Jack was spending the weekend with friends, there was no way to hide – and did he really want to? If he was going to be with anyone today, Dave Rossi should be the one. He threw some pajamas and toiletries into his bag and quickly put on jeans and a polo. After slipping into some ragged tennis shoes he started brewing some coffee for the road. Almost to the minute, Dave was opening the front door looking far more put together than Aaron did – his dark button down was crisp and Aaron was sure it cost more than most of his clothes put together. Italian leather loafers and starched jeans finished the look, he was a sight for sore eyes and Aaron stood taking it in for a moment, feeling acutely how under dressed he was. Dave smiled at him, that warm, gentle smile and waggled his eyebrows just a little which made Aaron chuckle, a genuine chuckle, something he hadn't been sure he could even do today. 

“Good morning,” Dave greeted him, wrapping his partner in a warm hug. Aaron let himself melt into the embrace, welcoming the spiced aftershave and cologne happily. He rarely ever bothered with cologne, and his aftershave was unscented for sensitive skin – not that he necessarily had sensitive skin, he just didn't particularly like to smell like anything. Clean, he just liked to smell clean. Where Dave used the top of the line hair care products (shampoo, conditioner, oils, pomades, etc etc), Aaron often just used the body wash or a bar of soap that he and Jack shared. Haley had always bought him all the things he needed, but after she was gone, he often forgot to buy certain things. There had been a number of days in a row where dish soap had sufficed, but those were dark days, and he hadn't been there in years now. 

“Where are we going?” Aaron asked, popping the tops on the two coffee cups and handing one to Dave. 

“Wouldn't you like to know?”

“That's why I asked...”

“Be patient.”

Patient. Not one of Aaron's specialties, but he could fake it with the best of them. Dave had brought his Packard, so it wasn't going to be a terribly long drive, and not a hard one – that car was his baby, he only brought her out on special occasions and only on gentle roads. Aaron breathed a sigh of relief for that small mercy. They locked up the house, slid into the car, and roared off down the road – destination unknown to Aaron. 

…............

“Dave,” Aaron stammered as they stepped out of the car, into the bright sunlight. The heat of the day was pounding down on them through the treetops. Before them was a structure Aaron hadn't seen in almost a year, and his last memories here were not happy ones. 

Gideon's cabin. 

“How?”

“His family was going to put it on the market, so I gave them double their asking price...just to have it.”

“You...” Aaron couldn't believe what he was seeing and hearing, yet somehow it made perfect sense. Gideon and Dave had been so close for so long, and even when years went by without their speaking, the love was always there. Their friendship had spanned decades, more than half of their lives. This was how Dave processed grief, he collected keepsakes and mementos, memories he could hold in his hands. Aaron didn't process grief, he just locked it up tight and hoped it wouldn't explode like a soda shaken up. He felt his breath hitch in his throat, burning in the middle of his chest – it was about to explode. 

“He would have been 60 today, did you know that? A year older than me, but not for long I suppose. He'll always be 59. It's hard to believe.”

Aaron choked on his breath when he tried to speak, tears burning hot behind his eyes. He blinked a few times, letting the tears track down his freshly shaven cheeks. Every time he tried to come up with something to say, nothing came out, no sound, just silence. Dave looked over at him and smiled softly before leading them up the walk and entering the cabin. It was clean and neat, nothing was out of place or dusty he noticed – Dave was having it cleaned regularly, he could see it. Keeping Jason alive in his own way. 

“Do you come here often?” 

“No, I haven't been since I bought it...but I had wanted to come and enjoy some wine up here for his birthday, and I thought maybe you'd like to join me. I apologize for blindsiding you, but I knew you'd say no if I had told you what I planned.”

“Probably.”

Everything was exactly like Aaron remembered it. He'd only been here a few times prior to Jason's death, the man was intensely private and this was his safe place, his sanctuary away from the evil he lived with every day. Dave had removed all of the security cameras and extra locks, he didn't fall prey to the paranoia that plagued Jason and Aaron, but everything else was as Jason had it so far. Almost a living shrine. Aaron's heart felt like it was shattering in his chest. 

“What's going through that head of yours?” Dave asked, grabbing both of their bags and taking them back to the bedroom, Aaron following closely behind him, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts in this place. This sacred place. 

“Not sure,” he replied quietly, eyeing the bed – it was different. It was new. Thank goodness for that, he hadn't wanted to sleep on Jason's bed. Dave noticed Aaron's sharp exhale and laughed. 

“I didn't keep everything as it was...I'm not a mad man.” 

As they turned and left the room, Dave put his hand gently on the small of Aaron's back, guiding him toward the couch. “It's alright to feel things, Aaron.” 

“I know.”

“You sure about that?”

Aaron sank into the couch, his body melting into every dip and curve. The cabin smelled clean, not like Jason, but parts of the couch still held onto the faint smell of his cologne. Aaron breathed it in deeply as Dave wandered back over, two very large glasses of wine in hand. 

“Tell me about your relationship with him,” Dave said, his voice smooth and soft, but almost demanding. "I heard him talk about you all the time, how intensely proud he was to know you and help mentor you, but you've never said much about him. I'd like to hear about him." Aaron felt his muscles seize. His mind raced through images of the way back, when everything moved so quickly for him – he'd met Jason, and the man had taken him under his wing, had fathered him like his own father never did, had helped him become the man he was now...for better or for worse. How could he put into words what Jason was to him? How could he explain the absurdity of his boss being more like a father than his own was? He sat in silence, afraid to speak, to lose whatever composure he was barely clinging to – he was drowning in profound loss, something he had pushed through in order to solve Jason's murder and spent the next few months ignoring. It had been so easy to forget, he hadn't seen Jason in so long that it didn't feel any different when it was all done. His body and mind felt detached, like he was an empty shell of a man as his mind desperately tried to escape putting words to what he was feeling. Dave watched him work through all of this curiously and set his hand on Aaron's leg, feeling the soft, worn denim beneath his fingertips. He squeezed gently, just a small gesture to make sure Aaron knew he was still there. 

And Aaron lost it. Every thread holding him together snapped at the same time, and he was overcome not only with the grief of losing Jason Gideon, but love for the man beside him – something that caught him so entirely off guard that he couldn't keep it together anymore. Dave leaned forward and set his wine down on the table, and then he did the best and worst thing he could have done for Aaron in that moment – he wrapped his arms around the man and pulled him close, so close that Aaron felt like he was going to suffocate but he never wanted to move. His body shook, wracked with the sobs of grief that had been boiling there under the surface for years – not just since Jason's death, but since he'd left the team so many years before. Grief and despair at how desperately unfair it was to have this man care for him, guide him, teach him and then leave him to the wolves. Anger at being abandoned, guilt for feeling angry. Resentment, because he'd had to be so strong to care for Spencer's aching heart and ignore his own. And yet, in his wake, this man beside him came – from the ashes was born something better than a father. A lover, someone who knew every inch of his body and every glimmer of his soul. Something he'd scarcely imagined being worthy of in this lifetime. 

“I know,” Dave whispered into Aaron's hair, kissing him softly, over and over. He stroked the back of Aaron's neck with gentle fingers, helping him release it all, and Aaron was paralyzed. “It's okay to feel things.” 

It felt like forever before Aaron could catch his breath, but when he finally did, he just stayed where he was, in Dave's arms. He had no desire to move. It was the only place he ever wanted to be, the only place he existed where he didn't have to be Aaron Hotchner Mister In Charge of Everything and Everyone. He could just simply be Aaron. He wiped at his face with the palms of his hands, warm tears sticky against his skin, Dave's expensive shirt soaked through. 

“Sorry about your shirt,” he muttered, his thick fingers tracing the tear stains gently, and Dave shook his head. 

“My dry cleaner loves a challenge,” Dave replied with a smirk. Aaron choked on a laugh, reaching for his wine glass and handing Dave his. He held the wine up to the light, peering into the deep purple liquid, and smiled – it was easier now to smile. His sadness was still there, still just right there, but it wasn't threatening anymore. He'd like it to stay there, to keep Jason close to him, but he wasn't going to break open again. 

“Happy Birthday, Gideon,” Aaron said softly, his voice rattled and rough from crying, and Dave raised his glass, clinking them gently together. 

“Buon compleanno amico mio,” Dave said softly, his eyes trailing to a small photo on the mantle that hadn't been there before. A photo of he and Gideon, fresh faced and full of youth. Aaron glanced up at the photo and felt his chest swell, but this time instead of feeling anguish, he felt peace – two men who meant the world to him in very different ways, without whom his life would have been only darkness.


End file.
